The Karma of Regrets: How to Live With What Cannot Be Changed

"If only I had..." — one of the heaviest phrases in human language. Behind it stands regret — a feeling capable of tormenting the mind for years, returning us again and again to the point where everything went wrong. Regret for words spoken. For those left unsaid. For choices that seemed right and proved fateful. For opportunities missed. How do you live with what cannot be changed? And how do you transform this burden into something of value?

Why Regrets Are So Painful: Science and Psychology

Regret is one of the most thoroughly studied emotions in psychology. Neuroscientists have established that experiencing regret activates the medial orbitofrontal cortex — the brain region associated with evaluating outcomes and making decisions. This is not coincidental: regret is literally the brain's feedback mechanism, the system's attempt to "correct" past mistakes after the fact.

Psychologist Neal Roese of Cornell University, one of the leading researchers of the regret phenomenon, identified an interesting pattern: in the short term, we more often regret things we did — erroneous actions. But in the long term (years and decades), what haunts us more are regrets about inaction — unspoken words, unrealized opportunities, unlived paths.

Daniel Kahneman, Nobel laureate, described regret through the lens of "prospect theory": a loss is experienced as roughly twice as painful as an equivalent gain. Regret is a form of loss-experience: we grieve not only what is, but what could have been — the imagined alternative that might have been better.

This is precisely why regret is so painful: it compels us to exist simultaneously in two realities — the one that is, and the one we've constructed in our minds as "better."

Types of Regret: About Action and Inaction

Psychologists identify several classifications of regret. The most practically useful is the division between regrets about action (what was done) and inaction (what was left undone).

Regrets about action are often sharper in the moment: "Why did I say that?" "How could I have done that?" This is the bitterness of a specific act that caused harm — to oneself or others. Typically, they tend to dull over time: the brain adapts, finds justifications, or discovers new meaning in what happened.

Regrets about inaction are more insidious. They tend to grow over time because missed opportunities remain in the realm of imagination, where "it would have been better" is never tested against reality. "I could have gone to study abroad," "I could have told her I loved her," "I could have stayed at that job." These regrets often feed existential anxiety — the sense that life has unfolded differently than it could have.

Daniel Pink, in his 2022 book "The Power of Regret," conducted a large-scale study, surveying over a thousand people about their deepest regrets. He identified four universal categories: regrets of foundation (unbuilt, unstrengthened), boldness (risks not taken), morality (wrongful acts), and connection (lost relationships).

The Karmic Function of Regret: A Signal for Change

Regret is painful but not meaningless. From a karmic standpoint, it is one of the most honest internal signals — the voice of the part of us that knows we didn't act in alignment with our values.

Regret tells us about our values more clearly than any declaration. We regret what matters to us: unexpressed love — connection matters. Unrealized talent — creativity matters. Betrayed trust — honesty matters.

In this sense, regret is karmic feedback: a signal about the gap between how we lived and who we want to be. Understood this way, it becomes a valuable indicator — not for self-flagellation, but for course correction.

This is why psychologists distinguish "constructive" from "destructive" regret. Constructive regret prompts action: "I regretted not telling my mother how important she is to me — I'll go tell her now." Destructive regret stays stuck in a loop of self-accusation, generating no new action. The boundary between them lies in where attention is directed: toward the past (self-punishment) or the future (change). Learn more about the relationship between reflection and growth in our article on reflection and growth.

When Regret Becomes Self-Punishment

The boundary between healthy reflection and toxic self-flagellation is thin but fundamental. When regret crosses into self-punishment, it loses its karmic function and becomes a form of psychological self-harm.

Signs of crossing this line: endless replaying of the past without conclusions; conviction that "I don't deserve to forgive myself"; physical symptoms (disturbed sleep, loss of appetite, chronic tension) connected to past events; inability to enjoy the present because of the weight of the past.

Psychologist Paul Gilbert, creator of Compassion Focused Therapy (CFT), notes an important distinction: self-criticism and self-compassion activate different neural systems. Self-criticism activates the threat system — the same one responsible for fight-or-flight responses. Self-compassion activates the soothing system. When we attack ourselves with chronic regret, our brain is in a state of constant threat — which is physiologically exhausting and psychologically destructive.

Self-punishment through regret is an illusion of control. We feel that if we punish ourselves sufficiently, it will "settle the score" or "prevent recurrence." But karma works differently: real atonement happens not through suffering but through change and action. Read about how self-forgiveness works in our article on self-forgiveness.

Transformation: From Regret to Wisdom

Transforming regret from burden to resource is not denial of pain. It is work requiring honesty and patience. Here is how it happens.

First step — acknowledgment. Name the regret precisely. "I regret that I didn't spend more time with my father while he was alive." "I regret that I didn't protect myself in that relationship." Specific, honest acknowledgment — without minimizing and without catastrophizing.

Second step — contextualization. You made your decision based on the information and resources available to you then. You did not know what you know now. You were the person you were — with their fears, limitations, and understanding of the world. This is not an excuse — it is honesty.

Third step — extracting the lesson. "What have I learned about my values through this regret?" "How will I act differently next time?" Regret is an expensive teacher. Make sure you received what you paid for.

Fourth step — action or release. If something can be repaired — repair it. Apologize. Say what matters. Do what went undone. If nothing can be repaired — consciously choose to let go. Not because "everything is fine," but because continuing to carry this weight no longer serves you or those who were involved. The value of mistakes for growth is explored in our article on the value of mistakes.

The Practice of Accepting the Irreversible

Buddhist tradition offers the concept of clear distinction between what can be changed and what cannot. Accepting the irreversible is not passivity or capitulation. It is an active, courageous choice to stop spending energy on what cannot be influenced.

The practice of "a letter to your past self." Write a letter to yourself in the moment when the decision you regret was made. Write with understanding and compassion — not to justify, but to understand. What did you know? What were you afraid of? What did you want? This helps replace judgment with understanding.

The practice of "what has this done to me?" Ask yourself: "How has this regret changed me? What have I gained by going through this?" Even the most painful situations often yield something valuable: depth of understanding, empathy, the capacity to appreciate what is.

The practice of "a forgiveness letter." Write yourself a letter of forgiveness — from the perspective of the person you have become. The one who can look at their past self with understanding and warmth rather than contempt.

Regret is a sign that you care. That you have a conscience and capacity for reflection. This is valuable. But this value is realized only when regret becomes a bridge to change rather than a prison from the past. Take the karma test and ask the oracle — sometimes an honest perspective from outside helps you see patterns that are difficult to perceive from within.